this is bambient;

i went out with taylor tonight and he bought his psvita and i got the rest of the vampire academy series. my original plan was just to buy one more for the plane trip, but i couldn't help it. once i've finished this series, i think i'll start to re-read and collect the 'cherub' series.

right now, i'm just watching glee (episode 11, season 3) and i can't get over how much mike chang looks like he belongs in a kpop video. it's attractive but so different to how he usually looks. it's also a bit frustrating that, after mike, artie is probably the best dancer they have on the show and yet he only gets to dance in random dream sequences. but on another note:

what i love about glee is that even though it's partially a commercial tv musical and mostly a comedy, it finds a way to tackle some intense topics. finn has proposed to rachel right now and i know that a lot of people get married early. i'm twenty but i have a handful of friends who are married. personally, i don't think i could do it. i was thinking about it last night (when i was supposed to be asleep) and, as much as i love my boyfriend and one day would like to get married to him, if he proposed right now the first words out of my mouth would probably be "...shit".

it doesn't mean i don't love him, it just means that i couldn't do it right now. i guess i'm a bit like quinn in that way. i want to get out of my suburb and do something influential. i want to have a career and do an incredible amount with my life, travel, see things, help others, be in a movie and release music. i want to jump into the back of a tour bus and just drive all over the country playing gigs, spending days with my guitar and eating day old pizza. maybe it's just me, but that's who i am.

i don't like to think too far into the future. in part it's because i've been disappointed too many times in the past and don't like to get my hopes up. the other reason is because i acknowledge that the future can change and, as much as there are many aspects i'm not keen on at the moment, i will always have the power to change it. back in the tenth grade, i met a guy i told myself i would leave home for and there isn't a day i don't thank the heavens that i didn't do it. i don't know if he's still running around playing the game, selling illicit party drugs and doing absolutely nothing with his life. the point here is that even though at one point in time i wanted that for myself, i don't anymore.

i don't know if this post makes it sound like i don't love my boyfriend, but i hope it doesn't. in fact, it's completely opposite. i'd rather live in today and know that we're happy together right now. one day maybe i'll want to move out to another country and do something, maybe taylor will end up on tour with a band, or maybe we'll both be completely content teaching secondary school like the original plan. of course, i know that what ever happens i want to end up back in his arms but i can't deny either of us that journey.

granted, i don't think taylor is going to propose right now since we haven't been together even a year yet, haha. this is completely hypothetical.

on another note: what kind of character would you play on Glee?

i thought about this before and while in high school i was most like a mix of rachel and tina (musical theatre, dramatic freak but dark), but if i were to go on the show i would like to be someone a bit darker than that. style wise, i would want to look dramatic - sometimes like a grungy taylor momsen look a like, but sometimes like a nerdy hipster. it would be great if i came into the school looking like a rebellious bad ass because i was expelled from my last school, only for the glee club to find out i was at a dramatic arts school and had an early acceptance to nyada or something.

then it can get really dark and they find out that i was expelled for robbing a convenience store, drug possession/use or something equally as bad. and then they can find out i was in rehab for a year for drug addiction or going into recovery for an eating/mental disorder. and all through this, there's samuel larsen trying to help and save me.

and i would name my character bambi. chung or something.